i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
