YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
