he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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