i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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