At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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