Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
