I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
