At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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