you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize