I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
