before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She bit a glass in half.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
