i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
