Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
