If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why is your signature on my underwear?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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