Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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