The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
