Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize