I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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