So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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