I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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