My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
