Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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