Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize