Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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