i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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