I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
