Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
