she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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