No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
