hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
