eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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