i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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