i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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