I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
