I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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