my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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