the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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