I'm jealous of your bromance
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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