i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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