Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
