Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
