Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
vagina is talking i cant
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
