It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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