a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize