i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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