There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
