On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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