the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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