Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
