I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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