Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
