What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
