Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize