Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
