dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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