u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
