my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found puke in my bra..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
