I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
