Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
