Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
