god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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